A note from Series Editor Sarah Marcus: Born from a powerful in-class discussion we had about gender, race, and the role of masculinity in rape culture, these poems are an analysis of gendered personal experience and a study of our intersectionality. This poetry series was inspired by a HuffPost essay I wrote called, “Why I Teach Feminism at an Urban High School.” The poets featured here are students from my 12th Grade Creative Writing class whose work I found to be brave, fearless, and progressive. Please help me support their crucial and influential voices.
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Anaika Falcon is a senior in my creative writing class. She is 17 years old and will be attending Miami University in Oxford, OH in the fall. She will be majoring in AYA Integrated Language Arts Education in the hopes of teaching high school in the future. She is an avid reader and immerses herself in Asian culture, specifically Japanese and South Korean culture. Anaika’s inspiration for writing this poem was taken from the bullying that she went through when she was in elementary and middle school. She wrote this poem because she felt like many people do not fully understand the consequences of bullying. Not only that, but those who commit suicide are seen as taking the easy way out, and she wants to challenge that view because she does not believe killing yourself is easy; therefore, suicide is not an easy way out.
Meisha White is a senior at Saint Martin de Porres. She She will be attending Spring Hill College in the fall on a full tuition scholarship. She plans to study Psychology and Early Childhood Development. Meisha has always loved writing music, poetry, and short stories. Her talent began to really blossom in her freshman English class and matured as she learned more in her creative writing class. The topic of bullying that leads to suicide was initially Anaika’s idea. When she brought it up, Meisha thought it was great but was nervous about her writings not being deep enough. She writes, “This project meant a lot to me because I included person experiences and I knew the topic was strong. I am very excited about this poem to be shared because it has the power to change people’s view and save a life or two.”
I chose to feature this deeply moving performance piece for its perseverance and persistence. It is devastating and relatable. It speaks to our collective experience of abuse and bullying. I encourage you to take the 13 minutes to witness these young women in action.
Video of Performance: https://youtu.be/MI7akkTB1c0
“We Had the Guns and You Gave Us the Ammo”
By Anaika Falcon and Meisha White
Anaika:
[Walk forward]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
I see it in your eyes
And in the way you spout those lies.
You don’t know that every day I go home and cry.
I cry until the tears overflow into a small river.
I imagine stabbing myself in the liver,
Anaika and Meisha:
But I am not capable enough to be my own killer.
Anaika:
I use knives and cigarettes to feel fuller.
I take the blade and slowly ride it
Across my tender skin.
I watch as the blood trickles out
Leaving me in inexplicable bliss.
Anaika and Meisha:
It reminds me of the sweet kiss
My mother would plant
Across my cold cheek.
Anaika:
But now I am at my peak.
I am 5”3’ and I am not the prettiest.
I am bleak.
I am weak.
I am nothing but an empty carcass
Trying to speak.
I see it in your eyes
And in the ways you spout those lies.
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
Your words were my ammo.
How you let them caress my every fault.
You opened up my deepest darkest vault.
You opened up my wounded scar.
You didn’t have to look too far.
To you, I was another hooker at the bar.
I wasn’t a girl I was just another one
Of your women to be judged.
You knew I wouldn’t budge.
I wouldn’t even give you the time of day,
But that just made it all okay.
Now every time I walk the halls
People laugh and watch me fall
Fall into the abyss
Waiting for someone,
Anyone to call
Call my name and make it better,
Anaika and Meisha:
But now all that is left is that letter.
Anaika:
[sigh]
My suicide letter.
Leading me to the greener side of the land.
I walk into the bath listening to my favorite band.
The water encompasses my body
And breaks my bonds.
I was never fond of the heat,
But today it is how I will beat you.
With the serrated edge of my blade
And the heat to drown my sorrows away.
Anaika and Meisha:
I WILL WIN.
[Walk backwards]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
————————————————————
Meisha:
[Walk forward]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
[Same time] Meisha: 1…2…3…4 Anaika: 5…6…7…8
Meisha:
How hard is it to go to school and break through expected doors?
[Same time] Meisha: 5…6…7…8 Anaika: 1…2…3…4
Meisha:
You’re supposed to be a star, first generation great
[Same time] Meisha: 1…2…3…4 Anaika: 5…6…7…8
Meisha:
Once you lose your virginity you become a whore
[Same time] Meisha: 5…6…7…8 Anaika: 1…2…3…4
Meisha:
Pill after pill I contemplate
They say life is great
Live it to the fullest
But how can I be happy
When I’m expected to stay away from “bullshit”
(When I’m expected to be the coolest)
I ask myself…
How many times have you looked back on your life
And said wow
Realized that there’s not many moments
You cracked a smile
I’m supposed to do great in school
But if I complain it’s
“All you do is go to school”
For girls having sex even for the first time
Is a mark of impurity
But I’m supposed to be “the man” right?
It’s funny how friends stay tight
Only if the timing is right
When you’re doing better they put you down
And try to pick a fight
[Same time] Meisha: 1…2…3…4 Anaika: 5…6…7…8
Meisha:
Cam! Please open the door!
[Same time] Meisha: 5…6…7…8 Anaika: 1…2…3…4
Meisha:
What’s wrong with you?
Being negative
And having self-hate
[Same time] Meisha: 1…2…3…4 Anaika: 5…6…7…8
Meisha:
After all that I’ve done for you?!
All of those sacrifices and you want more?!
[Same time] Meisha: 5…6…7…8 Anaika: 1…2…3…4
Meisha:
[Walk backwards]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo…
So now it’s too late.
———————————————————–
Meisha:
[Walk forward]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo
Anaika and Meisha:
My breath is leaving my body
Meisha:
My lungs stretching out
Their hands reaching out
For my idle breath
Anaika and Meisha:
Their words of envy strangled my neck
Meisha:
They were an assault on my lungs
They pushed out my air
Anaika:
“She thinks she’s better”
Meisha:
“You have no respect for authority”
Anaika:
“When I first saw you I thought you were stuck up”
Meisha:
“Everything’s your fault”
Anaika and Meisha:
Judgement before a word of exchange
Meisha:
I laugh and it’s
Anaika:
“What’s the problem I thought it was over”
Meisha:
If I’m friends with their enemy I’m the enemy
It’ll be quick
Just stand in the chair
Anaika and Meisha:
Hold your breath
And be free
Meisha:
I loved me as much as I could
But I was hurt by the reciprocated hate
The struggle of being like the girls in the magazines is heavy
So heavy that I decided
Anaika and Meisha:
To drop the weight
Meisha:
Create an escape to escape the hate and release the fate
A fate I couldn’t take
I made my own to correct the mistakes of the ones that hate
I hug the rope
Tied the knot
Stood on the chair
And accepted the fate
Anaika:
The fate of a girl who was too much
So much that she had to escape
Meisha:
[Walk backwards]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo
———————————————————–
Meisha:
[Walk forward]
[Anaika walk forward and stand behind Meisha]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
Dear God, make me a bird
So I can fly far, far far away from here
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
I’ll make you a bird.
I’ll help you fly away.
Meisha:
His fingers hugged one of the most important parts of my body
And it was so powerful that it took my breath away
Make me a bird
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
You are a bird
Meisha:
Make me a bird
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
You have always been a bird
Meisha:
Is what I repeated but all that I heard was screams of passion
Vibrating my eardrums echoing in my head
It shook me… so I thought the only logical thought
And it was clear…
I’m dead
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
You’re not dead,
You are a bird.
You are a flightless bird.
Meisha:
Dear God, oh dear God, how was this happening?
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
I’ll help you fly away
I’ll take away your pain
Meisha:
Alone in my home with no voice
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
You do have a voice,
The voice of a flightless bird.
Meisha:
Not even the strength to give a whisper
So dry that in the midst of it all it went unnoticed but my face,
My face is where the screams of passion unfolded
Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far far away from here
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
I’ll make you remember
That you are a bird
Meisha:
The wind that I didn’t have then felt great now that I’m so high up
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
Fly
Meisha:
The winter was approaching so I figured
Heading south in that V was enough
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
Fly
Meisha:
Voiceless it cries,
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
A flightless bird
Meisha:
Wingless flutters,
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
A flightless bird
Meisha:
Toothless bites,
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
A flightless bird
Meisha:
Mouthless mutters.
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
A flightless bird
Meisha:
I’ll be free…
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
You’ll be a true bird
Meisha:
It’ll be quick everyone will see how hard it hits
Where kisses go I have scars that will never heal
One wrong touch and I’m that scared little girl
Crying breaking down
Remembering this man of steel
How could this be happening?
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
I’ll help you fly
Meisha:
What was the angle?
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
The angle of flight
Meisha:
What little girl in the 7th grade
Could ever deserve to be strangled?
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
A flightless bird
Meisha:
I took the deep breath
That I couldn’t back then
Trying to pull out the little bird from within
Anaika:
[Peek out from behind Meisha]
You’ll be a true bird
Meisha:
Toes at the edge,
Dressed in camo.
I jumped.
[Meisha falls to her knees]
Anaika:
[Lift head and smile][Walk backwards]
Welcome to my murder of crows.
Meisha:
[Walk backwards]
Because I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
———————————————————————
Anaika:
[Walk forward]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
Every night
I would lay in my bed soaking in my fright.
When the night fell over my room like a warm blanket
Peace was shattered by the light.
It layered my room in bright hues.
It came in the form of a fuse.
Like the sunset his touch lingered on my skin.
Yellow warmth
Orange aggression
Red penetration
Red like the blood that stained my face and clothes.
With a pace as fast as a wild cat tearing away at its prey.
All I did was lay.
Lay in pain.
Lay in fear.
Wishing he would pour me a beer,
A beer to wash away the fear.
To wash away the feel.
The feel of his body crushing mine
Like a landmine.
The feel of his ring
Touching my torso.
How I wish this was a one night fling.
How I wish the light would leave my sight.
How I wish I could hide his bites.
How I wish I could fight back,
But how could I.
How could I ruin them.
Ruin him like he ruined me.
Anaika and Meisha:
But men don’t get raped
And fathers don’t rape their sons.
Anaika:
I am done.
I am alone.
My secret, his secret has been found.
For every bruise my mother pounds her head against the wall.
She falls.
Falls for him.
For his lies.
Because I am a lie.
She yells I should just die.
I… should… just… die.
I walk away.
Away from the pain and the lies.
I take the gun.
This should be fun.
Now I will make him come.
I let myself become numb
And strum my fingers against the barrel of his gun.
I put it in my mouth just like he taught me to.
The barrel chills my tongue
And leaves my mind in a fuzz.
I can hear my ears buzz.
I pull the safety back.
Anaika: Meisha:
I can’t do this. You better
I can’t live like this. You better
No one will care if I die. You better
No one cares that I’ve already died inside. You better
I am a lie. Make me
I am worthless. Me better
I am pathetic. Me better
I am a worthless piece of shit. You better make me better
It doesn’t even matter if I kill myself now. You better
No one believes me. You better
I am a lie. You better
I tried not to give up. You better
No, I didn’t give up… Make me
I didn’t, but you did. Me better
You gave up on me first. Me better
You chose him over me, You better make me better
You betrayed me. X2
Anaika:
I pull the trigger.
[Walk backwards]
Because you gave me the gun and all the ammo needed.
—————————————————————-
Anaika:
[Walk forward]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
Meisha: 3:00 AM
Anaika: I wake to the sound of my slaughtered cries.
Meisha: 3:05
Anaika: The sweat rolls off my body like all of your lies.
Meisha: 3:06
Anaika: My mind begins to crumble and die.
Meisha: 3:07
Anaika: The binds that have kept me tied down release themselves from me.
Meisha: 3:08
Anaika:
I realized there is only one way to free my mind.
Free my mind of your destructive slurs.
They echo in my mind causing a blur.
Fag
Meisha: Pussy
Anaika: Fruit
Meisha: Fairy
Anaika: Nancy
Meisha: Pansy
Anaika and Meisha: Queer
Meisha: 3:09
Anaika:
My salvation lies on my bedside.
It weighs heavy on my mind and in my hands.
Meisha: 3:10
Anaika:
As I imagine a new kind of euphoria and a new land
My mind fades into the darkness.
Meisha: 6:00 AM
Anaika:
I awake to the sound of a harmless noise
That shows me the starless sky
In the heartless morning.
Meisha: 6:01
Anaika:
But today I will not be in mourning.
I will feel the sun across my face
And I will let a smile spread across my face
Anaika and Meisha: Because today is a good day.
Anaika:
Today salvation will follow me to school.
Today salvation will free me from ridicule.
Meisha: 7:15 AM
Anaika: The doors to the school feel cool against the push of my hands.
Meisha: 7:17
Anaika:
The cafeteria is crowded with students and teachers.
They are all make believe preachers.
Meisha: 7:18
Anaika:
My salvation is nestled in my pocket.
Questioning its power,
But no flower is going to stop my salvation.
Meisha: 7:19
Anaika: I pull out my salvation.
Meisha: 7:20
Anaika and Meisha: Everyone runs
Meisha: 7:21
Anaika:
But I am having fun
And no one can out run my salvation.
Anaika and Meisha: I found salvation in a gun.
Meisha: 7:22
Anaika:
Bodies hit the floor.
Their screams hit me at my core.
Their blood begins to pour.
My heart begins to soar.
Meisha: 7:23
Anaika:
I have found euphoria
And I won’t let them take that away from me.
Meisha: 7:24
Anaika:
And with a loud bang
I let salvation take me away…
Anaika and Meisha: Away to euphoria.
Anaika:
[Walk backwards]
I had the gun and you gave me the ammo.
——————————————————-
Anaika:
[Walk forward]
Your words cut us like knives.
Your stares blew through us and
Nested themselves within us.
Our guns were holstered at our sides
Ready to save us from all of you,
But only if you give us the ammo.
[Walk backwards]
Meisha:
[Walk forwards]
It only takes one bullet,
It only takes one round,
It only takes one shot
To break our souls
To shatter our hearts.
[Meisha and Anaika move to stand side by side]
Meisha and Anaika:
We are not strong,
But do not believe that what we did was weak.
Have you ever tried to kill yourself?
It takes time.
It takes thought.
It takes a broken person.
It was us.
We were the broken,
The irreparable.
We had the guns and you gave us the ammo.
[Meisha and Anaika walk backward and turn around]
As It Ought To Be 