Home Improvement Advice for Anyone
Owning a House More Than One Hundred Years Old
Know that its indifference to you isn’t personal
you are, after all, just the meaty thing
that sleeps inside its walls
it has seen others like you
come and go, but don’t get me wrong
it loves you, it just doesn’t need you
there will always be others
your back and knees will deteriorate
spreading coats over lead sweetened paint that
will pass like world wars but
the knob and tube wiring in the ceilings
is permanent, and remember
coronavirus wasn’t its first pandemic
people have been born under this roof
have died too, viewings often held
like little Mary Shanahan’s was in my old place
her head crushed by a car while sledding in 1929
her body placed in the living room near where I mounted
the flatscreen TV after an hour cursing
that my stud-finder couldn’t deal with such thick plaster walls
and if you try to install flooring, windows, or doors
know there’s not a right angle in the place
not anymore, not since before movies had sound
your busted weekend with its
three return trips to the hardware store
will wash away like your skin and hair
down the drainpipe of time, unless it’s clogged
then you have a whole other set of issues to deal with
try not to worry too much about
whether or not the wiry black hairs
you found in the plaster match
the handprint you found in the basement floor concrete
and the teenage delinquents who carved their initials
in your garage door are dead by now anyway
trust me when I say, you should spend the extra 20 bucks
and get the right tool for the job
and make sure you get the good one
because if you stay still long enough
you’re going to have to fix it again
while cursing the last person who worked on it
and just know that if you have the audacity
to call such a place your “starter home”
it will punish you, relentlessly.
About the Author: Matthew Ussia is director of Duquesne University’s First Year Writing Program in spite of the fact that he got a C- in freshman writing and was rejected from Duquesne’s MA program. He is also an editor, podcaster, post-doom thereminist, softcore punk, postpunk backup singer, social media burnout, and sentient organic matter. His first book, The Red Glass Cat, was published by Alien Buddha Press in 2021. His writings have appeared in Mister Rogers and Philosophy, Future Humans in Fiction and Film, North of Oxford, MadSwirl, Trailer Park Quarterly, Anti-Heroin Chic, and Pittsburgh Quarterly among others. More information can be found at www.matthewussia.com.
Image Credit: Albert S. Burns “Structures on Old National Trail, Toll House, U.S. Route 40, Pittsburgh, Allegheny County, PA” Public domain image courtesy of The Library of Congress
As It Ought To Be 